HIL-GLE ON THE GO!

Remember how I once told you that I eventually intended to monetize this blog and the website? You do? Remember when I told you that you were really pretty and that we would get married just as soon was I am able to rescue my crippled little old aunt from white slavers? Perhaps I’ve gone a tad too far.

I’ve decided to halt my fighting the good fight against the intransigent, war-mongering, debtor generation that are the BabyBoomers and release an ebook. I’m doing this because war kills children and other living things and because  the worst kind of citizen is the one who supports a system that works against them. Although I’ve been known as being a very smart guy for a long time, be prepared for a warp-speed ride in reverse. 

I know what you are thinking: “It’s crap right? They were all a steaming pile of horse poop, yes?”

Which leads me to suspect that I am running a French Restaurant as opposed to a blog. As a blog, I have been informed that the HIL-GLE Wonderblog is worth $239.00. That would not be much of a restaurant, French or otherwise, in this country or anywhere outside of Africa. And I’m not sure by what process such things as free internet space with typing on it is valued, but that’s what mine rings up to.

I did check the value and reputation of my blog and website with various internet things the other day. And the results utterly amazed me—amazed, not as in thrilled, but amazed as in I didn’t understand a jot or Boolean of it. And I am an internet guy! I’m what we call content—to the tune of tens of thousands of web hits a day on HIL-GLE’s pages and the some 150 entries on the Wonderblog. I am even reflected, usually spuriously, all over the place. Ah content. Hear me roar!

And now more content will be streaming out of my stinking little piggies! New worlds open for me to conquer! There is the ebook and the tablet, wet and wild and waiting. What will my ebook be about? 

“Compensation for top executives at nonfinancial firms became unhinged from economic reality, and the under-regulated finance industry ate the economy. Certainly there's no evidence that members of today's elite are any more talented, creative or hardworking than the elite of a generation ago, who received a fraction of the rewards. If today's rich have shown unusual talent, it's mostly been a talent for rigging the rules in their own favor. They have a peculiar perception, what we call Socialism of the rich — privatizing profits and socializing losses. Yet the question still remains: How may I, Ajax Telegraph, become properly filthy rich and how quickly can I do it?”

Actually, no. That’s the topic for an Ask Mister Fun post. It’s also seemingly what most ebooks are about. I don’t zig when they zig, I zag, always. Sucks when you’re doing a maze, trust me. Also it’s not the best way to drive. Or walk or play football or hopscotch. It’s pretty good for hyping buying gold, but that’s about it.  

No, my ebook is about other things. Profound things. Things that I will speak of despite:

The North Korean military threatened to "reduce all the rat-like groups and the bases for provocations to ashes in three or four minutes, (or) in much shorter time, by unprecedented peculiar means and methods of our own style."

Not that I am taking anything the North Koreans say personally. I have a hard enough time understanding what even South Koreans—specifically the ones who write set up manuals for Samsung wireless printers—have to say. I swear, the instruction manual began with the words “This is irrational. It can't be allowed to happen. It is the most colossal and prolonged failure of leadership since the decade before the American Civil War.  What was widely announced as the benign end of historical evolution, when the Iron Curtain came down, has become a dismal and sobering farce. They tend to crash at an alarming rate due to weather, mechanical failures, and computer glitches, leaving shattered silver-screen techno-dreams of cheap, error-free, futuristic laser printer operation in the dust. We will never have logically consistent rules about such things (to the frustration of people, including me, who tend to equate logical consistency with justice and good sense).  More accurately, we cannot ‘give up’ because we have hardly done anything to ‘give up.’ You have to have a sense of integrity before you can feel shame.”

Or that may have been the trailer to the latest Batman movie. At any rate, my computer guru Sam rebooted my internet wireless thingy several times and then the printer worked.

Having overcome this problem, I am moving on with my ebook, which is actually a novella.

“Ryan Williams ate his tacos quietly, his blue eyes staring into space with the intensity of a man thinking about urgent business. Amid the afternoon crowd inside the Tortilla Coast restaurant on Capitol Hill last week, no one seemed to recognize Williams, who is almost 30, but looks young enough to be a congressional intern. Yet the man quietly eating his tacos was, in fact, thinking about the enormous challenge his team must accomplish in the next six months: Defeating the President of the United States.”

No, that’s not from my novella. That’s from one of those ‘think magazines’ I am amongst the only subscribers to. (I would really like to take this opportunity to un-thank the Nation for telling me how few people subscribe to Commentary. This was almost mitigated by the tattle that Daniel Pipes—who I want to be—is on the take to some Sears heiress nut job. Almost.)

Instead of Daniel Pipes, I’ll be Ajax Telegraph. (Pipes does have a great beard. I can’t grow a beard like that. I can’t grow hair on the correct portions of my head at all. I’m bald. I’m bald and I still have dandruff. By the way, ladies, I’m still available.) I would be Mark Lax, because I am Mark Lax, but Mark Lax is taken—at least as an author’s name or web guy’s name. (I once dated someone who knew one of the other Mark Laxes.) So, just to put you on notice, I will be Ajax Telegraph, at least in ebooks. No matter what I am, I don’t want to be this guy:

I don't write because I think I'm going to be the Next Big Thing, and I don't write because my mommy told me I was great. I write because it is easier to live with the stories on book form than in my head. Don't make jokes to me about therapy, because I tried. We reached the conclusion that the only way to deal with it was to write, and I wanted it in the form of a book. People can either buy them or not. I will continue to write what I am writing until I am done with it.

And I don’t want to be the guy whose unreadable self-published novel I bought at a convention a few summers ago and who is now emailing me suicide notes, either. It’s an ebook. I’ll tell you more about it when it actually posts. If the ebook works out, I might actually also post a revised edition of Weird Detective Mystery Adventures. But before I dedicate myself completely to the ebook form, it must exceed the high standard of value that HIL-GLE has... all $239.00 of it.

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Coda:

Just kidding, Hil-Gle Wonderblog. I would never leave you. I’m just trying new things. Really.