Your common-law wife will rat you out in a heartbeat. Your common-law wife will go to the judge to get an order preventing you from entering an apartment in which you are the only named renter. Your common-law wife will get an order demanding child support from you, even if you live with her and the child. Moreover, she can demand back child support from you even if you have lived with her and the child the entire duration of that child’s life. And she can get an order demanding that you pay that child support and another order sending your butt to jail for failing to pay that child support. And you can know nothing about it, because she signed all of the registered mail in your name. And she can demand restitution for back child support from your prison job wages. So don’t feel so smug.
Mister Fun will be personally appearing in a forthcoming novel as a gonzo journalist who is writing a true crime book. Without actually knowing what crime it is that he is researching, Mister Fun chooses people at random to snoop upon and accuse of the most dastardly of deeds. Much like real life (Mister Fun’s life, at least) he winds up in the company of the police quite a bit. As a plot twist which might extend the manuscript to the commercially viable 60K words, Mister Fun is able to solicit police help in his investigation via the method of lying and planting evidence and contraband on various random people. He also does a little ad hoc entrapment. We won’t give away the ending because we haven’t thought of it as yet. And this project has to take a back burner to learning a few new software packages. This is just what we call the ‘Elevator Pitch’ which is a thing all aspiring authors need to learn since it seems that all agents and acquisitions editors have the attention span of houseplants. And because all great literature has ‘hooks’. And people wonder why no one is buying books anymore.
By the way, never ever ever place your resume online. Unless you want about fifteen offers a day about the many fine opportunities there are out there selling insurance. Also, do not list your achievements as a Boy Scout on your resume. I say this with one caveat: if you have achieved the rank of Eagle Scout AND have nothing else to say, go for it. It will get you an internship, at least. Otherwise, blow it off. Send your resume to people who have jobs you might actually want. No one, I repeat, no one with a job opportunity worth having is trolling the job boards looking for resumes. It might be neat if they did, because it would save on the expense of a placement search, but that runs somewhat contrary to what your average human resources department wants to do. And the first thing they want to do is justify their existence. That means having a budget, even when all the position does is collect paperwork which goes into files never to be seen again. That’s what they want money for. If they are asked to do something else, say shag your happy ass off the unemployment line and give you something gainful to do during your waking moments, they want to make it seem as if it is extraordinary. And it is extraordinary, as it is not sitting on their happy fat asses, moving just enough keep from collecting dust, while bitching about their three hours a week actual activity downloading files for ADP, so they are going to demand a spike in the budget. They do this just to inflict psychic harm, to create the impression that attracting employees involves some sort of science and, of course expense. It also discourages the management from firing the other lame asses our HR Guru randomly schlepped in here. Because it’s going to take weeks and at least 3 grand to get a new person so you might as well live with who you have or, horrors of horrors, offer overtime. In order to pull off this dance of deception, HR must spend either a little off budget cash (place an ad on Craigslist) or a lot of off budget cash (employment agency). If HR is particularly pampered pups, they will spend days on end having paid for lunches with placement firms and if they are not, lots of overtime sorting through resumes actually sent to them. In any case, they have to show some effort and want you to show as much. If they have to read resumes, it should be resumes actually sent to them. Otherwise the whole HR thing is shown up for the scam that it actually is. Wait! Before you say it or think it: I’VE BEEN CALLED AN IDIOT BY FAR BETTER MEN THAN YOU!
Dear Mister Fun:Dear Loon Bag #1:
Why will no one come out and say that the basic platform of important elements of the REPUBLICAN party is to dismantle the U.S. government and return us to some kind of simple-minded fantasy western-movie thing (can't even think of what to call it - anarchoballisticism?). And in the meantime - on the way to their eventual triumph - they will tell any lie, use any trick, any obscure legislative obstruction to prevent the U.S. government from doing it's job. They will siphon off funds for pork barrel bridges to nowhere and weep crocodile tears about the our poor kids and how they can't pray in school. Having effectively sabotaged our nation's government - they'll point to it and say "See we told you so!" I am not saying the left is not capable of or does not engage in such activities, only that this particular instance exemplifies something that is horribly wrong with out political system. However, because most people cast a vote based on televised political ads, it's apparent that this majority has no interest in having an educated, informed debate about public policy--they just like to watch TV. Hard to believe that what the Soviet Union failed to do in a half-century of cold war may be accomplished by the REPUBLICAN party - the destruction of the U.S. government.
Yeah, it is hard to believe. And what the hell is wrong with liking to watch TV? I like to watch TV. I didn't have a TV for a very, very long time and now that I again have one, I like to watch it. I even plug it in on occasion. I still don't get why I have to pay to watch TV, but I have been advised that I do. And I do what I am advised to do. (Hear that, Mister Parole Officer?) Boy has TV changed. I've been watching this show called MAD MEN for the past few weeks, which I have been told is very cutting edge and all. And it is a little cutting edge, I suppose. But just on the fringes. For instance, last week they had a scene where a little girl walked in on Don's partner and her step-mother's mom performing a sex act in a semi public space. Woo. Cutting edge. You don't see that on I Love Lucy, no sir. But I have seen things like it on, oh let us say Love American Style, circa 1974 or so. And the week before that some people tripped on acid and a car trip ended in a big domestic fight. In fact everyone was having a bad weekend and it was all woven around one scene. Novel. Novel for 1966 on the old Sunset Strip television show. And the week before that someone had a cancer scare and came to grips with their mortality. Golly. As opposed to blathering on about right wing politics, why don't you come over and explain to me why I am paying money to watch TV and how this MAD MEN show is so cutting edge. Because I'm really lost here.
Dear Mister Fun: I am back to wondering if we need to divide into two countries, something like India and Pakistan did. Then Pakistan divided into Pakistan and Bangladesh. So perhaps it's time for us to cut to the chase and divide into fifty loosely aligned countries. Perhaps go back to the original Articles of Confederation. Then Gingrich becomes the President of Georgia. Romney the President of MassaMichegan. Santorum the President of Pennsylvania. Perry the President of Texas. Obama the President of Illinois. Kucinich the President of Ohio? I don't think that will fly. It's late, and I am too tired to glean out the rest of this post-Apocalyptic mess, but you see where this is going. Well we will all end up provinces of Brazil, India, and China, anyway.
Dear Loon Bag #2:
It's a pity you got tired, because you nearly gleaned out the whole thing, right then and there. I am sure you were building to some utterly stunning point before the sandman beat the ever living snot out of you and shipped you to that place where you personally will be divided like Pakistan and Bangladesh and then you too will become a province of India, Brazil and China. Or a piss puck. In any case, you mentioned dividing into two countries and then proceeded to name five, some of which were fashioned from areas that are not next to each other. You then proposed a triad of slave masters, India, Brazil and China, only two of which are next to each other and none of which are close to any of the new states you propose that they run jointly. If you really have any fear of your fantasy coming true, check out the European Union's efforts to run the business of Greece, a tiny place right next to them. Now sleep soundly.
Dear Mister Fun: The European tourists you mention, who do not notice the repression, do not notice it because they're in Cuba for the sex trade. Under Batista and the Mafia, the sex trade was confined to the sex district. Under Castro the sex trade is literally everywhere, because Caribbean attitudes towards sex are much more relaxed than elsewhere and because of widespread poverty. One can pick up a sex worker anywhere, from the Malecón to the Paseo del Prado, just for the asking. Selling off the nation's daughters to Spanish sex tourists brings in revenue but it is a shame, isn't it? The 20-something girl you mention, who is "luckier than most" has simply sold herself into slavery to the "European" as a full-time sex slave. Maybe that is lucky. But it's certainly a shame for a young girl to live that way.
Dear Travel Agent From Hell:
All I did was ask a little question. Since you put it that way, just book me for Vegas again.
Dear Jack Fun:This is a story without heroes, in which no one’s hands are clean.
Dear Aspiring Author:
It is also a story missing a plot, character development and an ending with a car chase. But then again, everyone’s a critic.
Dear Mister Fun:80-year-old Texas chemical-and-metal magnate Harold Clark Simmons is "the most dangerous American alive." He is one of the shadow elite who manipulate our system with their big money influences. It is no longer a democracy when one rich man can use his money to drown out the voices of the rest of the people. This will be the destruction of America, if it is not stopped quick!
Dear Harold Clark Simmons:
I love you.
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