Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom Culled From Our Very Own Interweb

 

A Guide to Pretending You Said This First

Things To Say (or Email) After A Long And Particularly Boring Telemeeting (As Opposed To Determining Who Won Bullshit Bingo)

It is now entirely possible to enjoy a successful career without achieving anything at all, without ever being involved with a successful company or project.

“Balderdash” suggests incoherence, “claptrap” and “hokum” the dust of ancient superstitions. “Drivel” implies triviality, and “imposture” and “quackery” are hallmarks of the confidence man. Ordinary bullshit is both more innocuous than all that and far more pervasive. (*1)

But that just adds to his charm as a self-promoting bullshit artist.

More likely we will close our eyes and sigh and kvell and call it some version of orgasmic.(*2)

This super alpha male obsession with controlling one’s image is troubling at every level.

Why You Are Not Buying Apple Products

Slavery is quite alright with most Americans as long as they don't see it in their backyard..

If I can't talk to my dead high school girlfriend Jessica on the iPhone 5 I will throw it right out the goddamned window.

Why You Won’t Be Voting

It becomes apparent that some people are less concerned about hate than making sure people hate the right things.

Those who emphasize infrastructure — not just roads but also the rule of law and common institutions — are called dangerous socialists. Those who preach “free enterprise” — individual liberty and ingenuity, the power of the market to reward the best people — are delusional apologists for the already powerful.

Later, of course, we'd find out that the hand he was extending to the female youth of America was aimed mostly at their breasts, but it's not like I knew that at the time. (*3)

What a collection of mediocrities. A perfect reflection of the people who elect them.

Standard Issue Put Downs

With the help of a hand drill and a spoon, you might be able to remove the secret thought transmitter that the CIA planted in your head. Get busy - before they come for you!

Crank up those cranks! All they're missing is a magneto, an engine and a vehicle of any description.

Handy Excuse-Free Excuses

Everything has a scary chemical name.

But if I didn't actually do anything wrong, there's no point in remorse or repentance. (*4)

And he did less to fuck up his good luck than any rock star who ever existed. (*5)

We’re clean, but we’re dirty-clean, rather than clean-clean. No one’s clean-clean.

Profound Bar Talk

Someday we'll get back to the time when the really smart guys from the best schools went to work for companies that built actual products, engineered more efficient cars, cured diseases, etc. Because it seems like our best minds kind of suck at investing.

You’ve really got to hand it to the Norse for keeping it real. I, for one, will be scratching
them off the "Eurofag" list. (*6)

I’d rather be a pallbearer than a bridesmaid. (*7)

For Chinese Government Bloggers (*8)

The sign is slowly showing that Japan will have to surrender without a fight. The demise of a brutal and savage nation is certainly welcome.

The days of the United States being able to support democracy and what have you around the world are over, authoritarianism is the new order of the day, and it will come closer to your life than you ever thought possible. I expect most Americans will willingly surrender themselves to the chain, it has always been the case, and Americans are no exception.

(*1) Warning: Came from the New York Times, so there’s a 2% chance people who read it will not think it’s your original thought.

(*2) Email Conrad Black for the definition of ‘kvell’ before using.

(*3) With some rewording, also acceptable as a rationale for having become a lapsed Catholic.)

(*4) Avoid saying at sentencing, even if you are maintaining your innocence. It just inflames the judge.

(*5) My own personal eulogy. Useful also in the first person.

(*6) This still doesn’t explain the fascination with soccer. As long as the Norse still play and watch soccer, they are still on the list.

(*7) If spoken by a well-suited up corporate Don Juan, sure to get you a free drink and knowing winks. If spoken by a female, sure to get you cut off.

(*8) Actual statements from Chinese Government Bloggers. Also useful as reasons not to buy Apple Products.