Malingering Melodramas

Have you ever been accused of malingering? I have--by a buttinski with nothing better to do. In its base form malingering is loitering with malice. Seems hard to do, really. Doing nothing with bad intent? It is my conclusion that the conclusion of malingering is more a reflection of the judgment maker than it is of the judged. But apparently there is a critical mass of folks out there who believe in their dark buttinski hearts that such a condition exists, and hence the word was coined.

In my view malingering should be considered a virtue. Perhaps this is because I malinger? Without compounding my sins by also rambling, allow me to place my subject in the best light post haste. The essence of malingering is withholding action until opportunity arises. No effort is wasted until it is the time to strike-albeit with malice. Cats do this. Most businesses would give their eye teeth to adopt such a model. Why, then, should malingering itself be considered some form of sin or sedition against the time Almighty GOD has given you on Earth?

Pretty much because it is, that's why. It's not God's fault that you are being paid by the hour and that your mere presence is not considered any more value added than the Slurpee machine also loitering in your workspace. After all, accusing the Slurpee machine of some perception driven mind crime hardly distributes back much pleasure to the person voicing the judgment. Whereas making you wince does. Deep down, everyone expects you do more than make change correctly--or whatever complex go-getter up and coming enterprise driving booger pick you do. That said, if Toe Jam wants you to mop the floor five minutes before shift is over and you've already faced shelves and did inventory, then by all means malinger.

Malingering in the above sense is just killing time. One could agrue that the Republican Party spent the last four years malingering. As opposed to helping modify the President's proposals, they spent their legislative time doing nothing--or actively preventing anything from being done. (Remember what I said about the person making the malingering conclusion.) Although doing nothing with malice does fit the term, it's not exactly the full monte of malingering. In true malingering, you're waiting for some condition to occur.

Things that malinger are johnny one notes who know when to play. Unlike the Gold Bug or Adventist who tout their ideas without regard to the condition the world may be in, malingering notions bide their time to make a comeback. Nostalgia malingers. Scams malinger. Tonight I bring you timely examples of each of these constantly malingering concepts.

As we have mentioned previously, nostalgia has a shelf life. It always gives way to a new nostalgia as the old cohort dies and a new group enters fogey-dom. (Get set for Power Rangers nostalgia.) Civil War nostalgia was replaced by Gay 90s nostalgia. Our current 1950s Nostalgia is now on its third and final decade. And Marilyn Monroe, pictured above, is its tailing end. (A nice one, at that--although not what she was known for.) Soon the Graydon Carters of this world will take her with them into the dimming light and she will never be seen again.

Still, it wasn't a bad comebck, considring the only thing she has done for the past fifty years is be dead. She's odd decoration--more to be imposed upon than is actually there. The comeback is now over, having reached the point that she and her material are now in the truckstop stalls and the mail order discount bin. Who would have thought that her improbable return--prompted by nothing more than a half century of being no more--would outlast the much more timely end of the Mayan method of keeping time as a retail fad. But it has. Her return to covergirl gloss is now over.

EEK! You know, you could make a perfect fortune betting against me. This just came in. It's the latest isue of Playboy. Their X-Mas issue, at that. Why, what wouldn't make for a more festive magazine than naked pictures of a dead woman? Ho-ho-ho. Last issue featured pitures of Heff's gal pals through the decades--so this is a whole nostalgia trend in Playboy.

And like the nostalgia craze for dead women in Vanity Fair, it's creeping me out to no end. Cut it out, guys. Last warning.

On top of this nostalgia for all things Heff, Playboy is now featuring the absolutely least funny, least thougtful spot cartoons of any time in its history. And it's a pretty low standard they are not meeting. The current assortment meets the rather silly description of such given by Harold Hersey in Pulpwood Editor circa 1937.

(To recap: Our blogger admits to buying a dirty magazine and has just commented on the funnies section. Yes, that just happened. Talk about malingering.)

We actually have two scams for you tonight, but only one of them is actually malingering. I'll start with the malingering one first. What I want you to do is guess how much this one is going to cost you and how the artist gets your money. Ready? Here's the pitch:

Are you an excellent problem solver? Do you enjoy taking on challenges and finding the solutions? A career in business consulting may be your next or final opportunity.

 Our consultants work with companies throughout the US assisting owners in improving profits, increasing productivity, optimizing the utilization of resources, changing behavior and in general organization development.

If you have been there and done it, then this may be the opportunity for you. Do you have 15+ years of mid to upper level profit and loss management experience and/or successful business ownership; are you proficient in Excel and Word; and do you truly understand financial reports and how to create them and then take action?

Our client’s our looking for problem solvers not sales people. Our positions require extensive travel from Sunday night to Friday afternoon. However, you earn the points and the other travel rewards. Vacations are virtually free, and you can occasionally have your significant other join you.

The training is exhaustive and comprehensive. You will be required to attend an initial 9-day training program that has a 91% passing rate. Those that survive will continue into an ongoing “on the job” training program working with Project Managers and Directors. The first year you can expect to earn between $72,000 and $98,000. The compensation structure continues to improve into the six figures with experience and promotions into Project Management.

If you feel you have the required experience and the dedication and determination to succeed, email your resume for consideration to the Selection Committee: 

 Stumped? Forgive the typography. I am a prisoner of blogger. As for the stilted syntax, I have not altered a jot or dash of it. The syntax itself is a bit of a clue, but let's not go overboard. The above was roundtabled--largely cobbled together by a group of people. Sadly, the median education of the people involved is about 4th grade. Our ringleader may have dropped out of college--but not a good one. They have made a few little mistakes, but as far as come ons go, this one is fairly clean.

Let's start with two basic elements:

1. No job such as the one defined above exists in the real world. It might be nice if it did, but it doesn't. There is no such animal as a broad consultancy. If anything, consultants are more specific than typical service employers. You will note the masses of verbs and lack of nouns in the above. It's a bit of a clue.

2. No one recruits like this. This is a scale up from the usual appeal. And it's not because the scam is any better, but rather that the artists involved are looking for fatter marks.

This is a Sequestration Scam. 

This scam is always around in some form. It takes this form when the economy is particularly malingering--a time when workers are taking buy outs, being shafted into early retirement or what have you. The phrase that pays here is "A career in business consulting may be your next or final opportunity." 'That is the tolling of the bell which tolls for thee, This is a very demographic specific pitch. They're trolling for older workers here. But before you get too flattered, you need to know that your experience actually matters very little here. If you read the pitch closely, almost everyone of a certain age is going to fit into some of it. 

The scam has essentially three actions, and, if the artists involved work it correctly, requires almost no outlay on the bad guy's part. All it requires is some materials used in another scam and the willingness of our artists to vanish without a trace at the right time. Chances are, if they are running this scam, they are more than ready to split town. In fact, they have split town. This is just a going away scam. 

Scene one, you've already seen. You have answered the ad. They get back to you, saying that they are very excited. You are one of the people they were hoping to get. (If they are bold, they will say it's specifically you they had in mind.) In any case, someone with your specific exposure is highly valuable to their organization. You are invited to a meeting at a hotel. 

Scene two takes place at a hotel meeting room. It's not that big of a room, but it is packed with folks in suits. The powerpoint presentation is slick, but it is not any more expansive than the original ad. If you look at some of the sources on some of the slides, you will find them somewhat dated. Crooks don't do homework. Crooks do what works, over and over again--and this presentation works, details be damned An eye for detail will blow these guys out of the water. 

Next up are the speakers, all of whom seem plausible, if overqualified. For example, one will say he is a former college professor. (This is the member of the group who has served the most time in prison.) Another will claim to be an army colonel. Then there's another person who ran a retail business and sold it out to a big chain. These people are all high energy. For good measure, they may all parrot the same phrase, such as "Bottom line, bottom line" or "Your best investment is in you."

The question and answer period starts. And you cannot get a question in, even if you wanted to. The questions are answered at a very crisp clip. Almost like a sit-com. The exchanges do answer most of the questions you might have in mind. 

Freeze here. Take a look at the people around you. This may be the most enthusiastic crowd of strangers you have ever met. They seem a little younger than what you expected. (Actually, all of them do, no matter what they state their level of accomplishment to be.) You may even note a tattoo peaking out here or there or the stray nose ring. And if you checked the parking lot, you may have noticed a few cars that don't seem to belong, even to guests of the hotel.

(People discount their senses. Don't. You see tattoos, it's a scam. You see a cluster of junk cars in the hotel parking lot, it's a scam. Not just some of the time. Always. These perps get lazy. They only clean up so well. And they blow all of their money on cocaine.)

At some point during the presentation, the presenting person who has said the least will give this off stage aside: "We just got in a very large assignment. So we have to roll on this quickly."

The confab ends with a mention of this outburst. "Although this isn't normal for us, we do need to roll on this. Everyone who is interested in this opportunity needs to see me in the next ten minutes."

If you do go up to see this person, they--and then someone else--will inform you that you are HIRED. All you have to do is get to a location (probably another hotel) about 300 miles away in two days. They will train you as much as they can, but the real intention is to put you to work immediately. They will "expense you back" for the hotel when they get the chance. 

Scene three. If you get to scene three, you have lost the deal. It's called Sequestration because the intention is to get you away from your family and outside sources of information--or independent impartial judgment. If you have missed the clues so far, you probably aren't going to be suspicious going forward. This is a business trip. Of course you aren't going to know anybody or anything. And it's a new job, on top of that. You are now in an environment where you almost have to trust the good nature of others. 

As a fiction writer, I can tell you that the set up makes the imagination run wild. The reality is a little more pedestrian. They just want to take you for some money.

Your first few days are spent on computer work, skills assessments and being set up on systems and whatnot. And in the process you are giving away all sorts of personal information--as you would with any new employer. (You will regret this for months, if not years.)

During your first few days you are always with someone. It's four to five people, but there is always at least one person in the room with you at all times. All but one of them is very impressed with you. You are being what is known as LOVE BOMBED.  Per them, you may not be a Vice President yet, but it's just a matter of time. When you're not logging or testing, you're ordering business cards, being added to the company card, choosing a cell phone plan and other acts of acquiring business trappings. 

You are isolated and are being actively distracted.

Mentioned more than once in passing is that this is a partnership. You are a partner. There is a buy in. It's not mentioned much--as if it is assumed--but it is mentioned, mostly by the person who doesn't seem too impressed by you. 

So far, you haven't met any other recruits. In a day or so you do, over dinner as one is accepting his partnership. It's everything the leader can do to keep this fellow from acting as if you and the others are now his staff. Since this person is the first partner, he/she may be given additional information about the project or exclusive authority over some part of it. It pays to be first!

By the way, this person doesn't have to be in on the scam. They can be just another mark like you. You may have multiple new partnership dinners during the first few days. 

How much is a partnership? $30,000.00. No problem for a big shooter like you. And it's a formality, anyway. You get it back with interest within a year, plus your pay. Not good for you? You know, that's less than starting a Subway restaurant--and the return is much, much higher as you grnadfather in. There is a graduated grandfather plan of $12,000.00 now and you don't make partner until you are in for the whole sixty. Still not good? For $5,000.00 they will reserve a partnership for one year, but until you go to another plan, you're just an employee. 

While you are mulling this over, the venue abruptly changes. The whole crew moves to another hotel, miles away. Here you and the other new employees start digging in on your first assignment. And it's huge! By this, I mean time consuming. You have half the amount of time that this assignment would require, even to do it half assed. You and the others will be working eighteen hours a day through the rest of your trip. 

The LOVE BOMBING is now over. The only member of the hiring team you have any further contact with is the guy who wasn't all that impressed. Guess what? He's still not impressed. He tells you and/or maybe a few of the others that the organization might sack some of you if this project does not come in right and on time. His level of contact, howvere, becomes less and less. In the last days, he's a voice on the phone, a terse email. 

Finally the assignment is completed. Day 9 you ship it at the UPS Store and head for home. (Except for the guy whose car was stolen.) Once home, you wait. And wait. And wait. 

What Happened? 

There are several payoffs and many permutations of this scam. I have actually presented the most sedate model. In this most sedate model, one of you popped for at least 12K. The rest of you became unpaid confederates--props, part of the active scenery. The gang split the cash days ago and are now out selling your personal information. And their coke dealer stole your car. 

This scam can get to be rather high pressure and the set up I've given may not be entirely typical. 

The entire scam is a bum’s rush from start to finish. It exploits the natural tendency one has to focus on a single task when confronted with an overwhelming amount of stimulation. Most con games play off this. It’s not too dissimilar to the pick pocket’s tactic of having someone bump into his target before making the dip. The target is so busy trying to keep from sprawling over that he does not notice the action of his wallet being removed. This is essentially what the Sequestration scam does, over and over again. The target has bought so much into the context (his new job) that he never notices the other actions around him.

As for the big direct payoff, the sale of the partnership, this is somewhat similar to the tactic car salesmen use on closing the deal. You are in their office, where they have sway. You are physically sequestered and therefore more willing to be agreeable—just by nature. The dinner routine is similar to the way timeshare condos are sold—creating the impression that others are doing it or that the behavior is expected.

Everything else in this scam is eyewash.

The partnership itself is just an example. It’s any money they want for anything. In other versions, it’s for a bond or as proof that you can personally guarantee a piece of equipment or credit line. Mind you, it is not out of line for a real consultancy or real partnership to seek such an arrangement. What’s fake is that a going concern would go about drawing partners in such a manner.

Does the Sequestration Scam work? One would hope that it doesn’t have much of a future, but versions of this swindle have been around for ages. Just when you thing a scam has grown so much hair that it can’t possibly resurface, it comes back again as we will see in our…

THANKSGIVING BONUS SCAM

This one was perpetrated by one large company on another. A little while back troubled computer giant Hewlett-Packard purchased a firm called Autonomy. In doing so, they trusted Automomy’s books, which stated that the firm had both a revenue stream and a profit—which are two different concepts. As it turns out, Autonomy only had a revenue stream. It was a classic Ponzi scheme pulled off exactly as Ponzi would do it.

In a Ponzi scheme, money supposedly reported as profits is actually borrowed from others.  In Ponzi’s case he claimed to have an investment vehicle which threw off 25% income every ninety days. In actuality there was no vehicle. Instead, people were being paid off from funds paid in to purchase the investment. It’s the original big time con game and is very well known.

Eventually a Bubble Game does run out of money. In Ponzi’s case, he claimed his cash resources was backed by a million dollar bond held in a bank. When Ponzi’s potential debt exceeded this bond’s capacity, his bank did a curious thing: it cut the bond in half. Per the bank’s accounting, each bond was worth one half million dollars on its own, but also owned one hundred percent of the other bond. Per this frisky system the initial one million dollar bond was now two bonds with face values of one million dollars each. Don’t try this at home unless you like prison food.

This is essentially what Autonomy was doing, it is charged. And with exactly the same degree of sophistication. It’s a well known bad trick and one would think someone’s accounting would have caught it. But they didn’t until now.

There may be more about this fairly soon.

I am currently sitting on a number of things, many of which I cannot disclose at this time. (How’s that for a tease.) I don’t want to spew until they are soup. So until they are ready, I will be doing a posting series on CULT RELIGIONS.

Very X-masy of me, I know.

Until we meet again, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

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