Pair of well to do skanks to throw lavish themed nuptials at the expense of smallish, poor republic. And you are NOT invited! Estimates as to the final monetary and reputational damages for both the ceremony and projected acrimony leading to messy divorce have yet to be estimated. In the mean time, the American Pulp Magazine Industry—keeping in lockstep with its English tabloid evil twin—has started to swamp the troths of public newsstands with periodical literature cover adorned with the graven images of these malformed highly inbred slut-spawn. The flow of such is expected to increase exponentially until such time as it seems reasonable that the two multiply bedded down royal types (cousins, in the American parlance) have finally gotten around to schtupping each other. (About a week after the honeymoon is the best guess.) Based on recent historic trends, it takes some time to break one’s sexual addiction to many parties, regardless of them also being your cousins. (Holds true for both average Royalty and the average Appalachian.) Further product development on the impulse pulp magazine side will of course be dependent on how much “Q Value” said “Royal Couple” accrue before the systematic destruction of such (Sarah, Duchess of York) along with how creative the predictable degradation and debauchery may become, either serially or incidentally, individually or collectively, with or without the assistance of other royals/cousins and/or members of the Jet Set, some of whom may be Arabs or Greeks. (*1)
It has come to the attention of various economic “departments” that the activities of these two soon to be at least temporarily tied in holy wedlock descendants of (German) kleptomaniacs are likely not to spawn much economic stimulus beyond the catering, horse poop cleaning, publication and applicated image non dinnerware plate industries. This seems a shame. And a crime. In the past spoilage (taxes collected) from these sectors even when stimulated by the desire to bump uglies between members of the parasitic classes has failed to make a dent in the overall public expenses of doing such. Ditto crowning, defenestration and other “Royal Events” which wind up paid by the taxpayer wherever they may take place. This is particularly the case of the English Royal Family, who are supported even during non event season and who, not a one of them, has ever bothered to find a job which might somewhat allay the social costs of maintaining their largely frivolous existences. Frankly, at this point they could learn to defecate diamond ingots and the people of the islands would still be out: their expenses are that intense.
In keeping with the objective of not bankrupting (or further bankrupting) the already destitute British people (also known as Pre-Americans, Cro-Canadians and Neander-Australians) along with the stray captive Scott, Welchperson, Fey creature and Irishwhatever, several proposals have been fielded to 1) amortize the outlay of the persistent and spiking needs of these white welfare recipients or 2) broaden the methodology by which the keeping of these bastard sons of mass murderers can some way be monetized. There was also the “Russian Option” which was tabled—largely because the Irish thought of it, but also due to the fact that no royal is cute enough for the even pretend Anastasia role.
The proposal having gained the most traction is an initiative to sell the whole lot of these “people” (British Royals) to the Walt Disney Corporation. (If they can save Times Square, they can salvage anything.) The overall aim of such is the perpetual continuation of the ridiculous institution of a monarchy with no relevant powers (nor, in the current crop, any demonstrable social prowess) without piling onto the barren UK economy continued mounting expense. Even a zero sum result would be a three-fold improvement over current circumstances. Sadly, we are dealing with a US corporation and not the US government and thus something of value must be unloaded in support of these substantive (fat) liabilities (royalty). Enhancements to our current offer may include fancy titles covering every square inch of the British Isles, save the Isle of Man (who have jumped the gun and previously sold all of theirs), the crown jewels—to the extent that we have clear provenance for them (we are assuming typical American due diligence here) plus the rights to rename certain royal properties after fly by night telecommunications firms and the rights to the images of those properties as fungible trademarks. As for the properties themselves, we have been advised that Disney has much nicer castles of their own. All of this said, we may have to throw in Royal Dutch Shell—primarily because they won’t take BP.
In keeping with US law, the assumption of liabilities (the Royal Family) must involve the payment of at least one US Dollar. Thus far we have offered 3 quid, a shilling, a bob and 6 pence—knowing full well that we might as well be offering them glass beads. Just to show them who thought of that trick first.
It is currently believed that the synergies between our bloodsuckers (royals) and assets currently owned by the Disney company will sway the day. They currently have several “magic kingdoms”, including one in France, and no actual king-like entities to occupy them. The manufacture of actual kings is thought to be beyond the technical capability of any company, sans Honda. (Or perhaps the Honda Monarch is another riding tractor. It’s hard to tell from the picture.) In any case, it is the perceived value of real royals that we are counting on. (Again, all of this is assuming typical American due diligence: having never so much as purchased a German royal before, it is unlikely the Disney people will detect how shoddy ours are.) A preliminary seance meeting with Walt Disney himself is said to have gone swimmingly. Per a present executive of the initiative who wishes to remain nameless (Tony Blair), Walt expressed keen confidence that even his current executives would be able to fully exploit our properties (royalty)—this despite recent events involving Bullwinkle the Moose and Underdog. Disney, who is scheduled to come out of suspended animation for fifteen minutes next quarter, expects to put the full weight of his influence behind accepting our initiative. Normally this would make it a done deal, however continuing problems with Spider-Man (Bring on the Dark) the Musical as well as the predicted massive flops of the Thor and Captain America movies may make the firm more hesitant about acquiring trademarks whose economic activities they do not fully control.
Should the initiative fail, we can attempt to sell the royals piecemeal to various Arab entities, conditioned on the proper painting of pubic hair upon them.
But let us keep our fingers crossed. It is thought that the royals will hardly notice their new surroundings or kinsmen. The same may not be said of various Disney family members, all of whom but Donald Duck may face a time of adjustment. Traditionalists need not fear the company’s proposed expansion of the royal family into a career path for aging Mouseketeers. We have been assured that any future promoted Mousekeeters will be as English as our current crop of Royals--and not Catholic.(*2) The only real difference anyone is likely to take note of is that the government will now be dissolved in a castle either in Florida or California—at half airfare, both ways with Disneydollars if the PM stays in resort.
(*1) At a certain economic strata, the two races become the same thing: dirty old men.
(*2) Most are ‘Evangelical’, whatever that means. Sadly, Britney Spears and Miley Cirus are not exempted from applying.
Next: I have a bunch of stuff. Probably another ‘I Was Wrong’ to post.
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