“Washington has not changed Donald Trump. Donald Trump has changed Washington,” spoke First Daughter Feckless Cunt in a speech which was presaged by cat calls and a model trot out of Zoolander. It was the start of a final night staged largely at the White House, as was much of this four-day testimonial-a-thon. A two-thousand-person corona virus super spreader event was held as a backdrop for the acceptance speech. Sadly, the impressive set-up was squandered by Cheetolini, who recited an overly long and deeply meaningless soliloquy sans focus, replete with defamatory and jingoistic allspice. What one takes away mostly is mostly how long it was.
I made the mistake of watching all four nights on MSNBC. I tried Fox at first, but they were not covering it live at the time. The folks at MSNBC thought it adroit to continually break the fourth wall to remind us that much of what was being testified to was pure fantasy. Bless you Rachael Maddow, but most of us on planet Earth already know they’re lying. I’m unclear about the value of keeping a running tally at this late date.
On Earth Trump the plague has been dealt with, scared into a full retreat through steely resolve and swift executive action. When others were dithering and denying our prescient commander-in-chief banned tourism by slimy infected foreigners, built millions of miles of impenetrable fortifications around our borders and dispatched medical resources with deft expedience. Millions were saved and, thanks to an effective and universal testing regime, we are now ready to continue building the best economy in the history of mankind. A full restoration of everyday life is just around the corner, as a TOTAL CURE for the plague has been WARP SPED into reality. And if that was not enough for you, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
There were game show surprise highlights throughout. A guy got pardoned, live and on TV. Another bunch of people were suddenly made citizens. Unhinged Let’s Make A Deal audience participant behavior was on full display. Rudy Giuliani and Kimberly Guilfoyle screamed their presentations and yet both came off as undead. Various slick haired squares and imitations of Grizzly Adams stalked forth to warn of the dangers of socialism, looters, cancel culture or to remind us that the Republican Party is proudly sponsored by LAW AND ORDER. Others brandished their bibles and sincerely avowed that Joe Biden is an agent of Satan. Larry Kudlow invented his own genre of literature by describing things that are yet not to happen in an optimistic past tense. As in previous years, we had to sit through the parading of all known black Republicans. All of the president’s children performed with the zeal of Kamikaze pilots before their maiden flights. Not to be outdone by her peers, Feckless Cunt declared herself co-president in her final appearance. Of those allowed within social distance of Cheetolini, only the First Lady failed in her trained seal act.
I kept hoping she would stab him in the back. “He shtupped a porn star when I was knocked up. He is evil.” Instead, she used the time to disabuse the world of the notion that she is near-fluent in English. Maybe she was speaking semaphore or Esperanto? It’s impossible to say. For her last appearance, she attempted to make day-glow lime fashionable again. She would have been better served showing up in the nude.
Once the convention locked in on themes, every performer was required to hit on all of them. It was something akin to a Branson show, only without the music. The phrase that pays seems to be: Joe Biden is out to destroy the suburbs. As clearly pulled out of the ethers as that notion may be, it at least makes sense as a sentence. In the end, even Cheetolini found it stale with repeating and substituted a promise of unending tax cuts in its place. Undefined until the end was the big promise of THE BEST IS YET TO COME. There is an outside chance that this boils down to unending tax cuts, wherein the rich make us give them all of our money. By context, however, it seems more likely to mean putting a woman on the moon. Or putting a woman on Mars. In any case, some bitch is getting epic style stranded. (*) The silver lining in all of this is that if the Republican party is hatching any further evil schemes, they seem to be directed at the universe and not at us.
(*) Hil-Gle would like to apologize for using both the B word and the C word in this posting. It was done purely for comedic effect and does not reflect Hil-Gle’s deep abiding reverence for more than half of the human race.