“Washington has not changed Donald Trump. Donald Trump has
changed Washington,” spoke First Daughter Feckless Cunt in a speech which was
presaged by cat calls and a model trot out of Zoolander. It was the start of a final night staged
largely at the White House, as was much of this four-day testimonial-a-thon. A two-thousand-person
corona virus super spreader event was held as a backdrop for the acceptance
speech. Sadly, the impressive set-up was squandered by Cheetolini, who recited
an overly long and deeply meaningless soliloquy sans focus, replete with
defamatory and jingoistic allspice. What
one takes away mostly is mostly how long it was.
I made the mistake of watching all four nights on MSNBC. I
tried Fox at first, but they were not covering it live at the time. The folks at
MSNBC thought it adroit to continually break the fourth wall to remind us that
much of what was being testified to was pure fantasy. Bless you Rachael Maddow,
but most of us on planet Earth already know they’re lying. I’m unclear about the
value of keeping a running tally at this late date.
On Earth Trump the plague has been dealt with, scared into a
full retreat through steely resolve and swift executive action. When others were dithering and denying our prescient
commander-in-chief banned tourism by slimy infected foreigners, built millions
of miles of impenetrable fortifications around our borders and dispatched
medical resources with deft expedience. Millions were saved and, thanks to an
effective and universal testing regime, we are now ready to continue building
the best economy in the history of mankind. A full restoration of everyday life
is just around the corner, as a TOTAL CURE for the plague has been WARP SPED
into reality. And if that was not enough for you, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!
There were game show surprise highlights throughout. A guy got
pardoned, live and on TV. Another bunch of people were suddenly made citizens.
Unhinged Let’s Make A Deal audience participant behavior was on full display. Rudy
Giuliani and Kimberly Guilfoyle screamed their presentations and yet both came
off as undead. Various slick haired squares and imitations of Grizzly Adams stalked
forth to warn of the dangers of socialism, looters, cancel culture or to remind
us that the Republican Party is proudly sponsored by LAW AND ORDER. Others
brandished their bibles and sincerely avowed that Joe Biden is an agent of
Satan. Larry Kudlow invented his own genre of literature by describing things
that are yet not to happen in an optimistic past tense. As in previous years,
we had to sit through the parading of all known black Republicans. All of the
president’s children performed with the zeal of Kamikaze pilots before their
maiden flights. Not to be outdone by her
peers, Feckless Cunt declared herself co-president in her final appearance. Of
those allowed within social distance of Cheetolini, only the First Lady failed
in her trained seal act.
I kept hoping she would stab him in the back. “He shtupped a
porn star when I was knocked up. He is evil.” Instead, she used the time to
disabuse the world of the notion that she is near-fluent in English. Maybe she
was speaking semaphore or Esperanto? It’s impossible to say. For her last appearance, she attempted to make
day-glow lime fashionable again. She would have been better served showing up
in the nude.
Once the convention locked in on themes, every performer was
required to hit on all of them. It was something akin to a Branson show, only
without the music. The phrase that pays seems to be: Joe Biden is out to destroy
the suburbs. As clearly pulled out of
the ethers as that notion may be, it at least makes sense as a sentence. In the
end, even Cheetolini found it stale with repeating and substituted a promise of
unending tax cuts in its place. Undefined until the end was the big promise of THE
BEST IS YET TO COME. There is an outside
chance that this boils down to unending tax cuts, wherein the rich make us give
them all of our money. By context, however, it seems more likely to mean
putting a woman on the moon. Or putting a woman on Mars. In any case, some
bitch is getting epic style stranded. (*) The silver lining in all of this is
that if the Republican party is hatching any further evil schemes, they seem to
be directed at the universe and not at us.
(*) Hil-Gle would like to apologize for using both the B word
and the C word in this posting. It was done purely for comedic effect and does
not reflect Hil-Gle’s deep abiding reverence for more than half of the human
race.
Hilarious. I didn't watch but the way you described it is how i figured it would go, which is why I didn't watch. Cheetolini, yeah I will have to remember that one. And no offense taken.
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