Mister Fun Returns Again

Real men do it twice (in a month) if they're nice. Or so we have told Mister Fun.

Once upon a time there was a time for the achievement of yet another person. Nine months later his mother to be could be heard moaning "Get this hateful thing out of me!" (Sources conflict if this happened during the actual birth, during actual conception or theoretically both, but not at the same time.) Soon he was in filthy swaddling clothes, which were changed little and have been changed little so little having changed during these many, many years. He learned to walk, to crawl, to run, to climb and to crawl again. (Some things are so nice you do them twice, but not thrice, which is a vice.) He bread lice. He made tacos. He travelled this broad land of ours until that one day the judge said "Sixty months, hard labor." He then learned the trade THE MAN made him learn and in time bought those things the man sold, but never bought into them. Which explains the frequent garage sales. Then he came upon his calling: drooling and making slurping noises in the direction of passing women. Soon he was on CNBC's "How I Made My Millions." Sort of. Actually he was on MSNBC's "Lockup: Behind The Bars", but not in a featured role. (He was seen as inmate 112332, dressed in orange and pushing a mop.) After a time, he coped. He started anew and made a fresh start of starting all over again. Repeatedly. This makes one a drifter. Coupled with his aforementioned "calling" makes one an undesirable. Being a drifting undesirable makes one a "usual suspect" and is a great way to meet the police and other law types, if that's your thing. BUT IT WAS NOT HIS THING.

Soon he entered the stage where the theme music was already playing. The spotlight hit and he sounded his horn. Sixty days later he was released on a promise never to do that again in this county. So he moved to the next county, and, a few restraining orders, citations for panhandling (charge reduced from public indecency--see the "calling" mentioned above, which could qualify you as a sex offender in some states) later he moved to the next state and then the next state. He changed his shoes, his haircut (his hair fell out), his clothes (they fell out too), his teeth (ditto) and then, upon finding a box of business cards with the words "Jack Fun, Professional Counselor" in a bingo card soaked dumpster, changed his name and lifestyle to match. And what a change it has been. Today Mister Fun spends his idle time passing the time watching the passing scene. When the mood fits him, as it does now, he shares these insights with us in writing--sometimes in the snow, sometimes in the sky, but mostly via email. And you can find it all here on the Wonderblog. But don't go searching further. If you're already here, you're as close as you need to be to finding most of it. Or at least the best of it. If you have any doubt, read on.

Dear Mister Fun:

Without clients you will not make money. In fact, you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how much money they make for the firm. And get the culture
right again, so people want to work here for the right reasons.

Dear Mister Guru:

Now I don't have any clients or employees. Thanks! Is there any other part of my business plan that needs tweaking?

***

Dear Mister Fun:

Joke no more, No one is giving oil to UK or USA. When we arm them we put a claus ,
we will but dates , frozen fish, shrimps, from you then we send Bush and Tony
Blaire who mess up the soup. Graph are good for the math but we need to go
deeper and know what these graphs mean. Are they railway tracks and get cut off
at a point and we get the train de-railed. I doubt but that is exactly what is
happening now in UK. Taxation and We, I, You, your relatives, and all to come
in future. Heed . This brings me to perhaps the biggest problem of all, which
is successive governments' inability to think radically. Obviously taxation is
a contentious issue. For years, though, governments have been terrified of
making any radical decisions because of the debacle of the poll tax two decades
ago. Margaret Thatcher's premiership was destroyed because this tax was widely
perceived as being unfair, leading to riots and widespread non-payment. As a
result whenever anyone suggests a far-reaching shake up to the tax system,
governments find every reason under the sun not to attempt it. This seems odd,
as they're always happy to attempt new and untried policies when it comes to
other areas of British life, such as the NHS and the welfare state. Without
radical thinking, we wouldn't have either of those two institutions. Adam Smith
in his general principles of taxation laid out several questions that every
government should ask themselves before drawing up a budget. Is the tax fair?
Can it be collected regularly? Can it be collected easily, and is the amount
brought in sufficient to justify the cost of collecting it? However at no point
does he warn against radical or innovative thinking. Radical does not necessarily
mean more taxation or more complex taxation, a distinction lost on some of its
critics. In the last few years a range of new ideas have been suggested
including the Robin Hood tax, the mansion tax, abolishing VAT, the land tax and
several dozen others. I'm not saying that any of these are necessarily the
solution to our problems, just that governments without proper study too often
dismiss them out of hand, simply because they're radical and radical equals
bad. If we have to pay tax, then let's have tax policy based on reasoned
argument and evidence rather than assumptions and dogma. To put it mildly we
live with tax the we pay tax and our sons pay taxes. When is the end, we have
no idea, even if you print jokes on the tax forms, it just does not work I thank
you Firozali A.Mulla DBA

Firozali Mulla:

Taking your advice, I am going to joke no more, especially on my tax forms. (I say this partially to refute what the IRS sent to me in their registered letter.) You know, thinking the big thoughts is taxing. Most people stick with talking sports--or art or cosmology or economics or the weather--all of those other things wherein no one really knows anything. But not you. You, Firozali A. Mulla, are a big thinker. And on stuff wherein you could be right or wrong, on subjects requiring a knowledge base. Even armed with that, as you no doubt are, few have the testicular fortitude to present such ideas in a public forum. Those are two amazing feats. Just on that, you get an 'E' for effort. I have no doubt that, with enough conviction, the right time of night and a few props, you have the makings of the type of homeless person who causes grown men to soil themselves within a moment of your appearance. Good Luck!

***

Mister Fun:

You could suggest that such limitational opthamology may be indicative of progressive standardization within the complex of derivative effluvia in the elite liberal psychobabblology.

Dear Emailer:

I could. I didn't, but I could. May I suggest instead the blue sno cone. Please get back to me once you have determined what the flavor actually is.

***

Mister Fun:

People are studiously not putting new money to work in the stock market, which is now cared about mainly by traders and excitable financial journalists. The question about the stock market remains: Does anybody care? Is anybody buying these stocks besides hedge funds, robots and hedge-fund robots?

Dear Chuck Schwab:

At this point I would settle for knowing which one of the world's many fine currencies it is safest to stuff my mattress with.

***

Dear Mister Fun:

If the Cabrini rowhouses were gone and the YMCA bum factory on Chicago decommissioned, this place would be full. The financial burden low income housing, public housing and transient shelters puts on the real estate market is immeasurable in terms of lost tax revenues. One bum beating a woman can scare thousands of potential buyers away. The administration should make it priority number one to remove undesirables from the downtown zones

Dear Real Estate Mogul:

So you're saying the first bum I sent didn't work? You tell me how much 'local color' I have to send by and I will tell you what your home is worth.

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Misterfun@Misterfunsaddress:

I am reasonably educated and I know countless well educated men and women who would endorse my view on this. Women no less than men do not believe either men or women should be allowed to be promiscuous or drink and then demand morality.

Dear Rasputin:

So we can skip repentance? Is that what you're saying? In any case, Mister Fun has never felt obligated to ask for anything more after a Saturday night of drunken sex. Going to church with her on Sunday morning was just my way of not being rude. Next time, we'll just go to Denny's and leave the pews to you non sinner types.

***

Mr. Fun:

Being liked is not the same as doing sh*t.

Dear S-head:

Being despised is no achievement, either. To be something, you must do something--or all you will ever be is pathetic. In short, I am joining with Mom in declaring your justification for inactivity not valid. The least you can do is pick up the basement, where you live FOR FREE.

***

Mister Jack Fun:

As long as "Shopping" is a recreational activity we will never begin to get control of our lives or the direction of our civilization. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Why do so many think that 40 or more pairs does not denote a problem.

Dear Newlywed:

Eventually the 40 pairs of shoes shock will fade. Then doilies will appear under all of your glasses and "treatments" upon your windows. Soon you will discover that all of her expensive dresses become useless and not wearable after three public viewings. After a time you will not notice these things. Or at least not feel compelled to comment on them. Note: New things makes living with the old you so much more tolerable.

***

Fun:

You can do this for a while, but eventually cut the crap.

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Mister Fun appears only on the Hil-Gle WonderBlog and only when he feels like it!